Activists celebrate a win as the country’s last remaining reproductive health clinics close their doors

NATION—In a long anticipated but hard fought move, the country’s five holdout reproductive health clinics will chain their doors today in compliance with federal laws enacted under the pro-creation Citizen Amendment. Anti-abortion and pro-creation activists who together have waged a decades-long battle for the protection of unborn citizens call the clinics’ closings “an epic victory.”

Citizen Amendment proponents overwhelmed by babies

STATE—Opposition to the Citizen Amendment continues to escalate, with an increasing number of lawmakers and residents finding infants and toddlers on their front porches, lawns, and in some cases in front of their places of business.

Governor John Santoro, perhaps most widely known for his repeated declarations on the dangers of birth control, said babies left outside his private gate eleven times in the last week have made it a “real chore” to leave his house.

“You have to go out and you have to move them, first, otherwise the gate will scuttle them across the driveway. It isn’t a soft, smooth stone, like slate. We have cobblestones, authentic. Ripped straight from the streets of Munich,” Santoro said.

Santoro is one of at least four hundred politicians nationwide reporting the presence of uninvited children, but until recently the phenomenon had not significantly affected the northeastern region. State representatives Alice Charles and Chadwick Allen, staunch opponents of the Citizen Amendment and in particular the June shuttering of the Eighth Street Reproductive Health Clinic, have argued the uptick in doorstep babies is a direct and clear response to the clinic’s closing. Haverton selectwoman Frances Platt, who also opposed the Citizen Amendment, hesitates however to credit the loss of the state’s holdout clinic with the rise in what many are calling shocking demonstrations of animosity.

“People are tired of not having sex, so they’re having it. These babies are in many cases an inevitable result,” Platt said. She added that while parents have options, such as putting children up for adoption, “My guess is they figure these people they’re leaving them with will want them, and it’s a lot easier than going through that whole process.”

Politicians aren’t the only targets of those seeking alternative permanent childcare. Tinytown resident Albert Griffin, 20, filed a police report Monday claiming he tripped over a toddler asleep on his door mat. Windbury resident Zelda Knightly, 60, last week reported finding a young girl sucking a watermelon wine cooler from a child’s sippy cup on her back porch swing. Police estimated the girl to be two years old.

Both Griffin and Knightly say they were openly supportive of the Citizen Amendment but that they don’t know who could have left the children outside their homes.

Santoro, who said he spoke on behalf of all Citizen Amendment supporters, condemned the behavior.

“Are the babies precious? Well, of course they’re precious. Every child is precious. But I’ll tell you what, they aren’t mine to treat preciously. Is it so wrong to want to be able get in my car and go out for some milk once in a while?” Santoro said.

Baby Stuffs to add fifty new links to its chain

NATION—Baby Stuffs will add fifty new stores over the coming year, executive vice president of corporate affairs Danielle Marias announced Thursday.

The big box retailer’s surge in popularity follows 32 years of disappointing sales that reduced the once booming retailer to fewer than 100 stores nationwide. Marias said that although precise locations are to be determined, she expects the bulk of the stores to open in the higher-than-average birthrate regions of the Northeast and Midwest. Marias said she could not be more excited about the store’s success.

“Three years ago I was mainlining Cabernet in my office bathroom. I was just waiting on word that I was out of a job, you know? Tip Top One Stop already had my resume,” she said. “But then everyone started having all their babies, and boom!”

Statistics compiled by the Centers for Disease Control reveal a marked spike in the nation’s birth rate following the birth control ban. One of the authors of the report, Hazel Schnyctic, said she is astonished by the figures.

“In the last four years we’ve grown by at least an additional half a million annually,” Schnyctic said. “Five hundred thousand one year, then five hundred seventy five, and we expect this year to top out at about six hundred fifty thousand. These are all extra, you understand.” Schnyctic added that the CDC’s projections for the next ten years are “astronomical.”

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